Oh, GO TO HELL 1986! I’m sick of it already!

I get it. You are dark. You are IMPORTANT! You also got your sticky, slobbery tendrils into EVERYTHING. Man, you had SO much going on under the hood, all wrapped up in a slick, ugly little package of nihilistic angst.

And that’s kind of the problem. They bought the sizzle, but not the steak. Example, when Snyder crapped out his Watchman flick, he NAILED the characterizations and the narrative, and that’s about it.

I mean, HOLY HELL! HE NAILED THE CHARACTERIZATIONS AND THE NARRATIVE! That’s no small feat, but that’s exactly why I imagine the Moore hated even the IDEA of a Watchmen movie, and not for the “go to bed old man” reasons you might think. Already the surface of Watchmen was becoming a major problem. The grim’n’gritty narrative is only a small component of its total achievement, but the one people always seem to stop at.

And now there is a movie, even the off chance he’d get someone with a bit of substance in the books is FURTHER subverted by the fact that the lazy just have to plop down for a few hours and they think they “get it” ‘cause they think Rorschach is BADASS. I mean, YEAH HE IS, but that’s hardly the point.

And then... The Dark Knight Returns. Like its creator, it seems to get stupider and sleazier and less likely something I want to invite into my home. I still respect it, I just find it harder and hard to take it seriously. Again, just like its creator.

But the sum total of why I HATE 1986 is in the apparent attitude that anyone making a big budget DC film seems to have NEVER LEFT THAT DAMNED YEAR. 29 years is a loooooong time to be fixated on TWO FREAKING BOOKS PEOPLE. I get it, you have an inferiority complex about making silly movies about dudes in tights.

Get over it, I want more silly movies with dudes in tights. Damnit DC, you own the rights to THE ABSOLUTE BEST STORIES ABOUT SILLY DUDES IN TIGHTS! Embrace it already.

Can we at least cajole you into taking a more NINETIES position in your films? It might be nice to see someone try to CGI a bunch of pouches onto the legs of a woman that taper down into her non-existent vanishing point feet. And guns that are swords, that have like NO NEED to be swords.